Saturday, 5 November 2011

Golden Opportunities.

So here I am on a sunny Saturday afternoon, enjoying the sweeping and collection of these golden leaves, when the phone rings. It's that helpful man from India, for the second time this week, telling me that my computer has many faults and that he, and he alone, will be able to fix them for me. Just before I disconnect him I tell him that I have no computer, a statement which fellow-bloggers may realise is a lie.

I am working steadily on the rockery with the secatures when the phone rings again. This time a joyful voice tells me I have won a free, all-expenses paid holiday in Florida. I don't say a thing about Florida. I just switch off.

I feel needed, loved, wanted. So many people want to give me things, do things for me, improve my house, plan my funeral, spice up my sex life, lag my pipes, give me free pizzas.
They telephone me, e-mail me, push messages through the front door.
I'm not even going to mention that Doctor/Lawyer/Lord in Nigeria who wants to give me huge amounts of money if I help him by giving him my banking details. I suspect he is not being faithful to me. I know he's e-mailing quite a few of my friends and acquaintances as well.
Ditto the Spanish Lottery, which I keep winning even though I never buy a ticket. They want to send me my winnings, but need my Bank details, of course. However, we're talking euros here, so I'm uneasy.

People really want to help me. Banks that I have no connection with are keen for me to confirm my contact details because - oh no! there have been suspicious activities on my non-existant accounts. Some of these non-existant accounts have now blocked me, and need me to reauthorise things. It becomes surreal.
Then there is the viagara - tons of the stuff swilling about, waiting to be picked up for absolute bargain prices, and the Rolex replicas, undetectable from the real thing, which I must order now if I'm to receive them in time for Christmas.

Through the door the offers pour in for double glazing (a glance at the house will show that it's already double glazed), for special offers on food and drink, from people who want to clean the place, resurface the drive, remove trees and hedges.
This morning even Waitrose, fairly dignified Waitrose, is offering me £5 if I'll go back to shopping with them after they have been closed for a week (but, to be fair, I will have to spend £50 first).

I feel valued and cherished, but I have more important things to do. I return to my own trees and hedges, unplugging phones as I go.
Out there I discover that my very local badgers have started a new latrine area, right in the middle of one of my better flower beds. Even they need me, want to be closer.......

For proper serious information on dealing with spam and computer-related problems, see the very helpful advice by 'Mouse'


Zhoen said...

Always good to look at life in the best possible light.

(One big advantage to voip, blocking numbers.)

Molly said...

I'm laughing but I do know how annoying it is. The same thing goes on here. The pity is that many older, less savy than you folks get duped. Better tp be less "needed" and left alone. Must be nice to have a resident badger; too bad he couldn't have his latrine somewhere else though!

Mouse said...

give me the badgers any day!

Jenny Woolf said...

Pity you can't somehow combine the offers of help and the latrine!

Peregrina said...

I read this, laughing. The same on this side of the world, too, except that there are no badgers. Well, not of the four-legged kind...

I turned to the comments and just had to make one. Word verification is "vicesue".

Jane said...

I don't usually shop in Waitrose, so was amazed to find people 'bulk buying' last week because of the shut down! Have they never noticed all our local shops and farmshops? They're obviously too posh to shop in Morrisons!
I think we must be being targeted this month by phone scammers in tis area, we've had loads too, despite having various barring and opt out measures on the phone.

Relatively Retiring said...

Zhoen, Molly, Mouse, Jenny Peregrina and Jane:
Thank you for the comments. I'm glad I raised a few smiles.
Molly, it is sadly true that vulnerable people fall for these ploys, and so they keep being used.
Yes, Jenny, perhaps the kind Indian or the rich Nigerian could pop round with a shovel? And, Zhoen, none of the mailing or telephone preference services seem to make any difference at all round here.
Jane, the panic around here is more likely to be because of closure of the car park! I bet Morrisons will do quails eggs and caviar this week.

mm said...


Anonymous said...

Brilliant as ever!
You've finally clocked me as the Rich Nigerian. See you later with shovel.

Relatively Retiring said...

mm: Heh, indeed!

L.B.M. Many thanks. Bring the cash as well, and then we don't need to bother with those pesky bank details.

Anne said...

That was entertaining, but it made me nervous. What if they get cleverer and I get stupider in my old, old, old age?

Relatively Retiring said...

Anne: Mouse's advice on protecting yourself and your computer is very helpful, so have a look at her blog.